that which you seek

HOW often are we in a state of longing for something that seems to allude us? maybe it's losing weight or finding love. maybe it's a promotion or beginning a new business venture. whatever it is, there it is — somewhere beyond you. within your grasp but exceeding your reach.

for the past few years, i've longed for a relationship. i felt i deserved that. as beautiful as a human being as i am inside, i know that beauty radiates without. however, no one seemed to honor my shine enough to want to have it in their life, romantically, of course. the fault had to lie with me, right? i constantly interrogated myself, asking what am i doing wrong... why hasn't he came... what is my single self suppose to learn that my relationship self cannot...

my longing caused a great sense of anxiety and lack. i felt less whole and more unwanted. although i am surrounded by the love of those closest to me, not having the love i felt i needed and the love that needed me made me suffer deeply.

so in seeking, i found him. i had known him my entire life. the intimacy we share is sacred. i trust him fully and no traces of doubt can be found.
i am worthy of his love. his love is what is most important to me.
jehrod is his name.

now i'm no monk. i know the part of me that wants the love of another will always be there. i won't deny it, neither will i be defined by it. i honor myself as a whole being who will not be reduced by my relationship status.

of this i am certain, if he never comes, he is already here. i believe that fully. i am in a space of deep love for myself and by that i mean that i carry my heart without judgement. i know my feelings are just little whispers propelling me to grow.

that which we seek is really the force trying to find us. the force is love. hear me when i say this, nothing external can give us what we need. it is only when we give ourselves the attention our inner souls need that we will find the peace that supersedes all understanding.